Today I went to see my facebook, looked at the updates of my friends and old classmates. Lots of pictures, new ones, their activities and different shout outs. One thing caught my attention, that was, a classmate of mine who achieved one of her dreams. I know she worked hard for it, and I know that she deserved it (if she got it she surely deserves it), I should be happy for her!! but what all I feel was envy. I know this is wrong, its the bitterness that is creeping in my heart. I compared myself to her. I felt that I was better than her and yet she was blessed more than I am. I felt that, compared to my abilities, I am much more deserving than her and yet I felt that she is more fortunate than I am.
What I am feeling right now is just pure depression. Why is it that I am bypassed by opportunities in life. I have the potential to be something and yet it seems that I would remain as such, just a potential. Will I ever get the realization of what I am fully capable of. I am already at the peak of my age, where most of batch mates already made it in their careers. This is the age where my dad already made his name. And yet as for me, i am still down here, it seems I never took off from my situation. I feel that I am a half baked person, jack of all trades master of none.
I just don't know right now what the will of God is for me. I plan things and it never happens. I thought I can finish my training and be a good surgeon but at near the end of the finishing line, I did not finish the race. I moved to the states dreaming of making it good for my family, and yet my partner in life was taken away. Hence, I moved back here in the Philippines with the dream of finishing what I have started and yet I feel that my opportunity is getting dim. Everything seems to be so near my reach and yet so far.
The only thing that keeps me going is that the Lord has given me a great gift of knowing HIM. And this should be thing that I should focus more and the rest will just follow. I have to ask myself right now...
- when I planned for things did I prayed for it?
- how often do I listen to HIM?
- how is my prayer life?
- how is my relationship to the Lord right now?
- do I really know my priorities, If I do what did I do about it?
- how much do I spend time for HIM, for my family, for my work and for my goals?
- do I read more and pray and know what the Lord wants me to do in this life?
Basic questions that I should answer. Simple and yet complicated. Answers can be answered easily and yet here I am right now, making some alibis. Here I am, trying to reason out for myself. Who am I fooling?
Got to wake up and read HIS words and remind myself on my priorities in life. Envy indeed is a sin, jealousy and pride is one of the biggest stumbling blocks in my life. Got to face it head on and come to a realization that I should am longer slave to such, this worldly things will pass away but the Glory of God stays forever. If I do things, in every way, whether in my career, work, home, friendship, socialization, I have to remember that I am an ambassador of the LORD and I have to respond as such. Its difficult, but who says being a disciple is easy. I never hear ed or read anything in the Bible that being a disciple is fine and dandy, that being a disciple is all bed and roses. Its far more different than that, and I am feeling the pressures right now. Its normal for a disciple to feel and what separates me from a non disciple is how I should respond to it.
To GOD be the glory, I pray that I will surpass this feeling, I should know better as a christian. going back to the heart of worship put hings in the proper perspective for what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but looses his own soul. Pity worldliness, share the word.
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